From Is it just me or is everything shit? (2006) by Steve Lowe and Alan McArthur, p124
Casting around for the one true path in life, Christians often ask” themselves: ‘WWJD?’ – ‘What would Jesus do?’ Apparently, he wouldn’t ‘make some stuff out of wood’ or ‘cure the sick’, but would walk up and down the high street with a big placard reading ‘GOD HATES FAGS’.
The ‘Jesus as uptight, bigoted sociopath’ reading of the Bible is proving incredibly popular with the world’s rising band of evangelicals. Even the born-again movement’s pre-eminent marketing arm The Alpha Course (which has seen over 1.5 million Brits pass through its doors) has raised heckles after Blairish founder Nicky Gumbel claimed the Bible ‘makes it clear’ that gays and lesbians need to be ‘healed’. ‘Although I strongly advise you not to say the word “healed” to them,’ he once warned. ‘They hate that word!’ Sound advice.
Normal people flicking through The Good Book will find anti-gay sentiments quite tricky to unearth. The New Testament’s supposed ‘No To Homos’ message basically boils down to Paul the Apostle’s comments in Romans 1: 26-27 on the sins of the Gentiles – ‘God gave them up unto shameful affections’ – and depends on the translation of the mysterious Ancient Greek word ‘arsenokoites‘ (and I promise that’s actually true) which might mean ‘special gay friend’ or possibly ‘male temple prostitute’ or even ‘gigolo for rich women’. Now there’s a solid bedrock for bigotry if ever we saw one.
For others, though, the Bible is just one big old book about hating queers; they’re constantly finding startling new chapters like when Jesus, after healing the sick and helping the poor, draws together his disciples and tells them how God’s vision embraces everyone – prostitutes, paupers, lepers, even tree-climbing tax inspectors … ‘.
On hearing this, his disciples pauseth for a moment and said unto him, What about the gays, Lord? Jesus flincheth and spat, Oh no, not the gays. I don’t like them, he ranteth. I don’t like their white vests or their love of gaudy music. And I have it on the highest authority of a man down the tavern that there’s a gay mafia running theRoman Empire. A man with another man? No way! Anyway, the lepers …’
In fact, the Big Bad Son Of God never mentions bum sex or any other gay-related issue even once, not even mutual masturbation. It’s possible he planned on making his Big Speech Against The Gays right after Easter. We’ll never know.
This is how the outside world views all Christians. This is what we have to work against.