"First thing I do in the morning is smile – get it over with…"

…said WC Fields.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat
you with experience.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a
garage makes you a car.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a
fruit salad.

The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to
tell you why it isn’t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is
research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train
stops. At my desk, I have a work station.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole
box to start a campfire?

Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train
people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay checks.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a
bike and asked for forgiveness.

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you
don’t need it.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an
emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said
“Implants?”

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars,
but check when you say the paint is wet?

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with
a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America ?

Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful
man is usually another woman.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to
skydive twice.

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.

Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you
wish they were.

Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a
great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they
can’t get away.

I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.

I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot
of tequila.

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department
usually uses water.

You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit
the target.

Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no
imagination whatsoever.

A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when
you are in it.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have
more than one child?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

Thanks to Dave Baker for these.