What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks”
I said “Don’t mention it”
I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.
I said “40”
What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the London zoo.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Two clowns are eating a cannibal.
One turns to the other and says “I think we got this joke wrong”
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
I poured root beer in a square glass.
Now I just have beer.
My friend says to me: “what rhymes with orange”
I said: “no it doesn’t”
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Is it one or two? One… or two?
What do we want?
Low flying airplane noises!
When do we want them?
Why did the old man fall in the well?
Because he couldn’t see that well.
Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?
So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world
I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work
Wife says to her programmer husband, “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”
Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?
What do the movies Titanic and the sixth sense have in common.
Icy dead people
I used to be addicted to soap, but now I’m clean…
What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?
Dishes Sean Connery
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me get to the other side!”
The other guy replies “You are on the other side!”
Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?
My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends… I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.
I’ve been told I’m condescending.
(that means I talk down to people)
Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dhabi do!
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have little antybodies.
How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
What thinks the unthinkable?
A dyslexic man walks into a bra
Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.
What’s ET short for?
He’s only got little legs.
What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?
A porcupine has pricks on the outside.