Archives March 2019

50 Clean Jokes (especially for Kelly’s Joke of the Week)

1

What’s the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.
Dave-Stark

2

I bought my friend an elephant for his room.
He said “Thanks”
I said “Don’t mention it”
3shirts

3

I bought the world’s worst thesaurus yesterday. Not only is it terrible, it’s terrible.
Rndomguytf

4

This is my step ladder. I never knew my real ladder.
WikiWantsYourPics

5

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I said “40”
3shirts

6

What’s the difference between a good joke and a bad joke timing.
Melchiah_III

7

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She seemed surprised.
megan_james

8

I have the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the London zoo.

kailey_sara

9

I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

kate_winslat

10

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
ImHully

11

Two clowns are eating a cannibal.
One turns to the other and says “I think we got this joke wrong”
Moltenfirez

12

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
Spysquirrel

13

What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
alosercalledsusie

14

I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I just have beer.
PM_ME_TINY_DINOSAURS

15

My friend says to me: “what rhymes with orange”
I said: “no it doesn’t”
DinosRoar1

16

And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.
PM-SOME-TITS

17

How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Is it one or two? One… or two?
Undescended_testicle

18

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW
Tetragon213

19

Why did the old man fall in the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.
rangers_fan2

20

Whatdya call a frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.
Sooowhatisthis

21

What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.
BiffWhistler

22

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.
leahcure

23

So what if I don’t know what Armageddon means? It’s not the end of the world
Jefferncfc

24

I went bobsleighing the other day, killed 250 bobs
breadman666

25

A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
ImHully

26

How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive west.
fireworkslass

27

I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.

It’s shift work
3shirts

28

Wife says to her programmer husband, “Go to the store and buy a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, buy a dozen.”

Husband returns with 12 loaves of bread.
SuperFreakyNaughty

29

Communism jokes aren’t funny unless everyone gets them
-georgie

30

What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old?

Aye matey
Wicked_Wanderer

31

What do the movies Titanic and the sixth sense have in common.

Icy dead people
mysevenyearitch

32

I used to be addicted to soap, but now I’m clean…
VictorBlimpmuscle

33

What time does Sean Connery go to Wimbledon?

Tennish
3shirts

34

Knock Knock

Who’s There?

Dishes

Dishes Who?

Dishes Sean Connery
Birdie_Num_Num

35

Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
Deerhoof_Fan

36

I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
KaboomBoxer

37

Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me get to the other side!”
The other guy replies “You are on the other side!”
The2ndKingInTheNorth

38

Ever noticed that glass tastes like blood?
venus_w

39

My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends… I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.
-917-

40

I’ve been told I’m condescending.

(that means I talk down to people)
iblinkyoublink

41

Guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
Bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line”
Guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
justacheesyguy

42

Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff.
RayBrower

43

People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dhabi do!
stevenmc

44

Why don’t ants get sick?

Because they have little antybodies.
bonanzoid

45

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.
plax1780

46

What thinks the unthinkable?
An itheberg.
mariana_m

47

A dyslexic man walks into a bra
Ramundo312

48

Before your criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.
BoxxerUOP

49

What’s ET short for?

He’s only got little legs.
3shirts

50

What’s the difference between a BMW and a porcupine?

A porcupine has pricks on the outside.
techgirl0


Beyond Lent Questions

What does Lent mean to you?

Lent is a time of preparation, of taking a season to reflect and prepare for the most significant week in the Christian Life: that is Holy Week – the Passion of Christ through to the Triumph of the Resurrection.

I think Lent is less about what you give up than what you take up. Dieting over Lent is… just a diet, something for my own benefit and my own vanity, whereas taking up something, some charitable act, some devotion or prayer ritual helps others and helps me also.

For me it is a time to pray more, for me quiet contemplation before the Blessed Sacrament, and the praying of the Rosary, to dwell on Scripture more, reflect more and even repent – I only go to make my confession a few times a year, but that act of reconciliation in the early part of Holy Week is so important to me, an opportunity to come to God in openness and honesty. It takes me all of Lent to build up to that, and to seek true reconciliation and a fresh start. In some ways, 40 days isn’t enough. But the feeling after that reconciliation: to be assured of God’s love and forgiveness takes me from the depths of Peter’s denial to his forgiveness on the beach.

What could you live without?

I could live without feelings of guilt, of self-recrimination, of doubt which undermines my self-esteem. If I was able to ditch those major thorns in my flesh that things would be a lot better, and I could adjust to flourishing as a complete child of God, but I’m not sure I can let those self-accusations go fully. Yet.

What does hope look like?

Hope looks like an empty tomb, which has let it’s occupant loose because it cannot hold him. Hope looks like the promise that he would be with us always. Hope comes in the visceral presence of God in broken bread and wine outpoured which transforms the broken and those who have it all together alike, Hope is the result of being assured of his return in Glory and the opportunity we have to make this world a better place in readiness for his return.