Low Sunday

Posted Leave a commentPosted in humour

The Sunday after Easter is known as ‘Low Sunday’ throughout the Church, and that doesn’t just refer to the mood of the Clergy.

Traditionally, churches would listen to David Bowie’s eleventh album on this day, though since the arrival of Christian worship songs, that tradition has fallen into disuse.

GCSE: Cross-curricular studies for teenagers

Posted Leave a commentPosted in humour

Time allowed: 1 hour 45 minutes

Please show your workings.

Mathematics

1. Three people live in a house. All of those people are over the age of 14. Please explain, with the aid of diagrams, why only one of those people can take the rubbish out.

2. Josh has started an apprenticeship earning £140 per week. His mobile phone bill this month was £385. How much pay will he have left over?
a) All of it, WTF should he pay his own bill?
b) None of it, he has spent it all on a tattoo

3. Jane wears a clean shirt to school every day. Jane has six shirts. Explain using Bayes Theorem and taking into account microbiological cross-contamination how likely it is that any given shirt on the floor on Thursday morning will be clean enough to wear to school.

English language and creative writing

4. “I was like going to the shopping mall and met like Lucy, Dan and like two other people from like school. We went to like Hollisters to get some like T-shirts for Dan and then went to like Primark cos Becky like needs a bikini for her holiday in like Benidorm. We were like starving so we went to like McDonald’s to get like some food and met up with like more people from school. We all had like burgers and like chips and some of us had like a drink but some of us didn’t have like enough money.”

Explain the exact meaning and usage of the word ‘like’ in the above passage.

5. Write about an inspirational member of your local community, such as Beth’s Mum. Pay particular attention to Beth’s Mum’s opinions on music, art, politics, fashion sense, physical fitness, financial generosity and liberal parenting policies.

Combined Science

6. Explain, using the periodic table, why WKD will make you puke.

7. Explain the physics behind the phrase “It’s just gone”. You may use any of the following objects to illustrate your theory: an outdoor coat, one rugby boot, school tie, art coursework.

Technology and Computer Science

8. Explain how you will circumvent the broadband security your moderately techy parents have set up. Use diagrams if necessary.

9. You have been invited to sleep over at Harvey’s house. Your parents wish to communicate with Harvey’s parents about this.
(i) Explore and explain the circumstances under which the following items of modern technology would be simultaneously broken in order to prevent this communication from taking place:
a) the telephone – you should include reference to both landline and mobile.
b) email or any other internet-based communication system.
c) carrier pigeon.
(ii) Calculate the probability that, in a relatively small village, your parents already know that Harvey’s parents have gone away for the weekend.

Critical Thinking

10. Explain what happens when you use the last of the toilet roll.
a) I put another full roll on the holder.
b) I stuff the full roll behind the back of the holder.
c) I’m going to Nando’s with Becky.

Drama and Theatre Studies

11. “The Walking Dead could like totally happen.”
Discuss the devices used by the writers to support this assertion. Your answer should include reference to themes, tone and setting.

Economics

12. You are in a house alone during the day. How many lights should be switched on and remain on?
a) Those in the room you’re in.
b) Those in the room you are about to enter.
c) All of the lights including the fridge light as, though you are able to remove plaster when you slam your bedroom door shut, you can’t quite shut the fridge door properly.

Philosophy

13. It’s soooo unfair!!!! – discuss.
14. Arthur is 17. His dinner consists of a XXL pizza and there is half a pizza in the box. Discuss whether this is:
a) Half eaten
b) Half uneaten
c) Not enough

For bonus marks:
How much more pizza will it take to fill Arthur up? (10 pts)
Discuss the theoretical concept of “too much bacon” (15 pts)

15. If a mother is speaking and no one is listening, does she still make a sound?

Why "Human Traffic" is possibly my favourite film of all-time.

Posted Leave a commentPosted in addictions, humour

artworks-000012771526-uf3yol-original

“It’s an insane world, but I’m proud to be a part of it”

Bill Hicks

There are better films ever made: Citizen Kane, Pulp Fiction, Der Himmel über Berlin, but for sheer enjoyment, joi d’vive and a film which I can watch endlessly with memorable dialogue, vivid cut scenes and pure Zeitgeist, I can’t better 1999’s Human Traffic directed by Justin Kerrigan

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It was Kerrigan’s first film, and this shows in its many vignettes and in-jokes that he had clearly been nursing for many years to this point.

However, it is this narrative which combines a (minimalist as it is) story arc about a bunch of mates who go out on a weekend and two of them get off with each other intersperced with fantasy inserts which are so seemless as to match the flow of consciousness that is seen only in Joyce’s Ulysses or a Tarantino Movie (imagine a Pulp Fiction without violence, and setting it in Cardiff).
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Another reason why I love it is that it speaks to ME: drugs, pubs and parties in my (foul, witty, irreverent but ultimately grounded) language.

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Performances are hugely varied and many of the young cast went on to loads of other things: John Simm, Shaun Parks and Danny Dyer all rock, whereas I always thought the character of Nina (Nicola Reynolds) was simply rubbish and one-dimensional.

The reason I watch it over and over again is not for any perceived spiritual meaning other than to be reminded that “err… Life is great!” (John 10:10 in action if ever I saw it). It affirms humanity and God’s creation through the simple love of being and the desire to connect with others, through music, drugs, sex and in the end through friendship; which is frankly the best we can get.

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The soundtrack is amazing, although it really does speak to about 5 years after my own club life; and its ambivalence towards recreational drug use “party prescriptions” speak of the world and culture I inhabited back then: been there, done that and had far too many regrets over that: I love this film because I understand it.

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The pre-night-out monologue “The weekend has landed” is one of the best in cinema and ends with a classic bit of Bill Hicks. All of those Danny Dyer “Moff” dialogues (even the weird one about Taxi Driver and Peter Andre) are brilliant: simply brilliant and have entered into my inner dialogue.

However, I have been to Cardiff on the beer – a party town like few others and which look a scene from Hyronymous Bosch come to life. My key question is where are all the welsh people in this film? Almost all the main characters are not locals (and not at the Uni either which is what draws most non-Welsh people to Cardiff) It’s like a Ghost Town: packed but devoid almost of Welsh accents.

However, this is my film. It’s the one I watch on long train journeys and the one which goes through my head on replay. You must have a film like that of your own. I’ve shared mine, now you tell me yours….

(recently written after a long journey home and only just typed up from my notebook)

From the vaults: Follow Me (Walsingham 2004)

Posted Leave a commentPosted in humour, mission, parish

Written and performed by the genius who is Fr Wealands Bell, this wonderful, powerful and evocative sketch was found on an old tape (yes, tape) and digitised. Apologies for the quality, but it was a long time ago…

[youtube=http://youtu.be/3Ub3ZYzMBeE]

 

This sketch appears with the permission of the author in my forthcoming book Creative Ideas for Frontline Evangelism with Young People which you can pre-order from here.

Slide24

 

Heresy Corner – Trinity Sunday is approaching…

Posted Leave a commentPosted in humour, parish, teaching

[youtube=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KQLfgaUoQCw]

heresykitten

Athanasian Creed

Whosoever will be saved, before all things it is necessary that he hold the catholic faith. Which faith except every one do keep whole and undefiled; without doubt he shall perish everlastingly. And the catholic faith is this: That we worship one God in Trinity, and Trinity in Unity; Neither confounding the Persons; nor dividing the Essence. For there is one Person of the Father; another of the Son; and another of the Holy Ghost. But the Godhead of the Father, of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost, is all one; the Glory equal, the Majesty coeternal. Such as the Father is; such is the Son; and such is the Holy Ghost. The Father uncreated; the Son uncreated; and the Holy Ghost uncreated. The Father unlimited; the Son unlimited; and the Holy Ghost unlimited. The Father eternal; the Son eternal; and the Holy Ghost eternal. And yet they are not three eternals; but one eternal. As also there are not three uncreated; nor three infinites, but one uncreated; and one infinite. So likewise the Father is Almighty; the Son Almighty; and the Holy Ghost Almighty. And yet they are not three Almighties; but one Almighty. So the Father is God; the Son is God; and the Holy Ghost is God. And yet they are not three Gods; but one God. So likewise the Father is Lord; the Son Lord; and the Holy Ghost Lord. And yet not three Lords; but one Lord. For like as we are compelled by the Christian verity; to acknowledge every Person by himself to be God and Lord; So are we forbidden by the catholic religion; to say, There are three Gods, or three Lords. The Father is made of none; neither created, nor begotten. The Son is of the Father alone; not made, nor created; but begotten. The Holy Ghost is of the Father and of the Son; neither made, nor created, nor begotten; but proceeding. So there is one Father, not three Fathers; one Son, not three Sons; one Holy Ghost, not three Holy Ghosts. And in this Trinity none is before, or after another; none is greater, or less than another. But the whole three Persons are coeternal, and coequal. So that in all things, as aforesaid; the Unity in Trinity, and the Trinity in Unity, is to be worshipped. He therefore that will be saved, let him thus think of the Trinity.

Furthermore it is necessary to everlasting salvation; that he also believe faithfully the Incarnation of our Lord Jesus Christ. For the right Faith is, that we believe and confess; that our Lord Jesus Christ, the Son of God, is God and Man; God, of the Essence of the Father; begotten before the worlds; and Man, of the Essence of his Mother, born in the world. Perfect God; and perfect Man, of a reasonable soul and human flesh subsisting. Equal to the Father, as touching his Godhead; and inferior to the Father as touching his Manhood. Who although he is God and Man; yet he is not two, but one Christ. One; not by conversion of the Godhead into flesh; but by assumption of the Manhood by God. One altogether; not by confusion of Essence; but by unity of Person. For as the reasonable soul and flesh is one man; so God and Man is one Christ; Who suffered for our salvation; descended into hell; rose again the third day from the dead. He ascended into heaven, he sitteth on the right hand of the God the Father Almighty, from whence he will come to judge the quick and the dead. At whose coming all men will rise again with their bodies; And shall give account for their own works. And they that have done good shall go into life everlasting; and they that have done evil, into everlasting fire. This is the catholic faith; which except a man believe truly and firmly, he cannot be saved.

i am the vicar, i am

Posted Leave a commentPosted in humour, parish

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I am the vicar, I am.
I am the pastor, the carer, the listener
the one with the time to drop everything and
I also understand global politics and immigration and
I am the one who knows about Afghanistan
and cares about ‘our boys’
and I care about speed-humps
graffiti
litter
and the positioning of zebra crossings near schools.

I am passionate about school assemblies
council meetings
mums and toddlers and also
I am good at one-to-one and small groups and
I listen and empathise and at the same time
I am the one who plans and strategizes and
I am the one who understands budgets and decides if we can buy any staples
or replace the heating system.
I am the vicar, I am.

I am the quiet reflective prayer and
I am the speaker, the enthuser, the motivator, the learned teacher and
I can engage a room of 10, 50, 300 people with no problem because
I am the one who relates particularly well to children
older people
the middle-aged
the jobless
the employed
the doctors
teenagers and
I am the one who is always one step ahead and
I am the one who is endearingly disorganised.
I am the vicar, I am.

I care passionately about church politics
I care passionately about domestic abuse
I care passionately about the plight of Anglo Catholics
women priests
gay clergy
evangelicals and
I listen to the pope
the archbishop and
Rob Bell.

I am up-to-date with theological developments.
I understand the history of the reformation
the armed forces
the war
the government
the deanery
the Jewish background of Jesus and
I care about the excluded and
I manage my admin and
I know how to access children’s services.
I am the vicar, I am.

I am the one in whom trust is placed
I am the one in whom grumbles are placed
I am the one who is always talking to everyone else
I am the one who models worship
marriage
family
gardening
conversation
baking
prayer
listening
talking
planning.

I often get it wrong.
I am the one who has to keep my doubts under wraps and
I am also the one who is vulnerable and
dependable
stable
trustworthy.

I am the one who chairs meetings
I am the one who manages group discussions
I am the manager of an organisation that employs only me
I am the volunteer co-ordinator
the opinion co-ordinator
the trespasser on the territory of people who have been around a lot longer than me
and will be there after me.
I understand the heating system
the financial system
the rota system.

I love committees.

I drink tea with older people
And coffee with younger people
I listen to stories of bus routes and hospital visits and
I believe in transforming our community through the power of Jesus.

I am the one who is very tired.
I am the one who hates wearing dresses but still smiles
and would love to be muddy all the time.

I am the one who only works one day a week.

I am the one who loves this job.
I am the one who is making it up as I go along.
I am the one who would not swap this for anything.
I am the vicar, I am.

© 2009 Kevin Lewis

http://theblogofkevin.wordpress.com/2009/11/18/i-am-the-vicar-i-am/

EDL – laugh against racism

Posted Leave a commentPosted in humour, inclusive

Dealing with the English Defence League (those noxious racists who drape themselves in the flag of a long-dead Palestinian Saint who has no English connections whatsoever) by taking the Mick, the Euro Disco Lovers aim to reclaim those letters and shove the others down the Google rankings. In a small way, this link (and your click on it) will help that. Check them out!

This was our fave 70s classic. It’s about dancing right?

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZISHgrgGJ2k]